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White House announces sweeping plans to fully privatise the NSA by 2017

moneySimon Davies

In a sweeping move intended to bring reform to America’s embattled National Security Agency, President Obama today announced that the NSA will be fully privatised by 2017.

Under the nine-point plan all data under the control of the agency will be sold off to such companies as Experian and Choice Point and “new, tighter” contracts would ensure confidentiality.

Instead of paying companies a fortune to let us  hack illegally into their data, we can now lawfully sell that same data back to them at twice the market value without the cost or the risk

At an impromptu press conference President Obama told journalists that he had a much greater chance of controlling contracted corporations than he ever did when the agency was under government ownership.

“At the moment none of us has a clue what they’re up to with your information”, the President said. “At least under the new strategy we can invoke a penalty clause if companies do the wrong thing”

“We have to face reality”, he added, “Thousands of corporations have contractor agreements with the NSA, so they have all the data anyway. We may as well make money out of these companies rather than paying them to process information that we’ve already bought off them”.

“With this plan all Americans will enjoy better security, and with the money saved we get to provide better health care in marginal districts”

Professor Jeff Bindman from the Berkeley Center for Pragmatic Economics said that the plan was “leveraged monetising at its best”.

“Instead of paying companies a fortune to let us  hack illegally into their data, we can now lawfully sell that same data back to them at twice the market value without the cost or the risk. It’s a responsible economic model that’s already been road-tested with DMV data”.

“This way Google and its ilk get to turn a former liability into a lucrative business model. Everyone wins.”

In a bid to allay fears amongst NSA staff the White House gave an assurance that the “traditional outsourcing model pioneered by EDS” would apply to the new arrangements. That is, government workers would be retrenched, then re-employed by the private sector under new contracts to do exactly the same work but at twice their previous salary.

This way Google and its ilk get to turn a former liability into a lucrative business model. Everyone wins.

Perhaps the most controversial element of the Obama plan is the “extra territorial” aspect which will permit overseas companies to bid for US security data. The President insisted that only “trusted countries with a pre-existing security relationship” will be allowed to tender for contracts. These countries include France, the United Kingdom, Italy, Germany, Zimbabwe and a handful of sub-Saharan African states.

In an apparent sop to liberal interests, NSA facilities being phased out over the next three years will be converted into shelters for homeless cats and dogs.

“We asked Americans what they most wanted” said a White House spokesman, “and they told us they wanted more shelters for homeless cats and dogs”.

The announcement has stunned supporters and critics alike, to such an extent that no-one has yet decided a position on the new policy. “I just don’t get it” seems to be the best response they can come up with so far.