The Queen’s gut-wrenching Independence Day message to America

Queen's message EXCLUSIVE to the Privacy Surgeon


My dear colonists,

On the occasion of your loud celebration of independence from Britain, I have decided to break precedent by offering this royal salutation from across the pond.

I need to begin by acknowledging the elephant in the room. You might not know this, but your stroppy tantrum 238 years ago was directed at my fourth great grandfather, King George III. I don’t condone everything George signed up to regarding the war of independence – not because going to war with you was morally wrong, but because he was a screaming hypocrite,

Queen Elizabeth II: "Stop bleating on about sodomy"

Queen Elizabeth II: “Stop bleating on about sodomy”

George went about proclaiming Britain’s role as a global leader of thought, yet he believed that loyalty among the colonists could be won through the barrel of a gun rather than through persuasion of the heart.

If you’ve listened to any of my banal speeches you’ve probably clocked that I learned long ago not to fall into that trap. No-one can ever accuse me of being a hypocrite, principally because I rarely offer an opinion of any sort.

I also want to take this opportunity to offer a conditional defence of my fourth great grandfather, but in doing so I will be realistic. Let’s face it, George was a nice guy, but he was also a moralistic, anally retentive Kraut who couldn’t make a decision to save his life, so don’t go blaming my family for prolonging the war with the colonist terrorists.

Anyway, George was mad as a fruitloop, evidenced by that hilarious moment when he shook hands with a tree in the mistaken belief that it was the King of Prussia. Mind you, I guess we’ve all done such things.

While acknowledging that George was a rampant hypocrite, I would ask that you look into your own hearts to determine whether America is equally hypocritical. In light of contemporary US military policy there’s something crooked about condemning Britain over a prolonged and unjust war on foreign soil. Capiche?

On the subject of hypocrisy, you wouldn’t want to look too closely at the character flaws of some of the people who signed the declaration of independence. Speaking personally, I think their biographies make sensational bedtime reading, though they must be depressing for many Americans. But I digress. .

You won’t find British leaders bleating about rights and freedoms, because technically there are so few to bleat about.

So here we are, all these years later. I’ll admit you do have something significant to celebrate today, but don’t get all high and mighty about it. I’ve read what John Adams had to say about the meaning of independence day:  “It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more”

Today, therefore, is not really about autonomy, righteousness and freedom; it comes down to the national hotdog eating contest in Coney Island and 22 tons of fireworks going off in New York.

I don’t know whether you’ve seen that Ridley Scott film, Gladiator – the one with that hunk Russell Crowe – but if so you’ll recall that the emperor Commodus tries to distract his people from Rome’s economic catastrophe with lots of spectacular events at the Colosseum. I’ll say no more on this, but you get my point I’m sure.

Nonetheless, our two nations have much in common. Each of us has achieved a pinnacle of economic mismanagement, leaving us financially bankrupt, but through the joint efforts of our Special Relationship we’ve been able to muscle our way to a respectable credit score. Glad to see those wars had some value, even if only as a bargaining chip.

We have also learned from each other that perception is all that truly matters. We expensively parade around the world as self-proclaimed moral champions, institutionally in denial of our crumbling empire. There’s nothing wrong with that; France has been doing it for years.

As a great British policy-maker once observed: ”War is peace; Freedom is slavery; Ignorance is strength”.

One aspect, however, that we do not share is the matter of rights and freedoms. Returning to the theme of hypocrisy, America’s claims of being the home of the free are not quite correct are they. I mean, let’s look at the vexed question of sodomy. Until 2003 – twenty years after the disco craze – a quarter of US states still retained laws that criminalized the practice. Well, my family has been engaged in that sort of activity for generations, and since we hate hypocrisy we never made a big deal of the topic.

In that respect Britain has been way ahead of America. For example, in 1779 while Thomas Jefferson was busy trying to “reform” the sodomy laws in Virginia by prescribing mandatory castration for offenders, British opinion-leaders like Jeremy Bentham were turning the practice into a moral virtue. Watch and learn America.

You won’t find British leaders bleating about rights and freedoms, because technically there are so few to bleat about. British people are “subjects”, and rights are what we give them. Of course there are these pesky European human rights conventions, but you’ve probably noticed that we oppose them at every opportunity. If people don’t like that arrangement they can sod off back to Denmark or Poland or wherever they crawled from originally. Anyway, if you ever need a lesson in masterly hypocrisy on the matter of rights, you only need to read the hollow proclamations of places like Denmark or Poland. Pffft.

I’ll hand you one plaudit though; you’ve certainly managed to instill a sense of constitutional loyalty in the DNA of your people. We saw the danger in that process decades ago, which is why we never bothered with a written constitution. You actually taught us an important lesson.

I think I’ve gone on long enough, and it’s time for another gin and a strategy meeting about how to snub that commoner bitch Camilla, but I’ll leave you with this thought. Whatever our differences, our two nations are united in a common quest to direct our dwindling resources toward an assault on our own people. As a great British policy-maker once observed: ”War is peace; Freedom is slavery; Ignorance is strength”.

Good night – and God bless America!