The official (and insulting) 2016 privacy horoscope

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2016 will be a momentous year for all the astrological houses. Privacy, in particular, will be massively influenced by a shift from air and water, to earth and fire. Here, Simon “the oracle” Davies analyses the charts and presents the definitive privacy horoscope for the year ahead.


ariesAries: March 21 – April 19

As an Aries, you are derived from the Greek god of war, which means there`s no pleasing you. It also means you probably suffer from mild Dissociative Personality Disorder. On the one hand you want to show classic Aries leadership in the battle against the Surveillance State, but on the other hand, you are arrogant enough not to really care about it. Part of you yearns to lead the revolution against surveillance, but most of you wants to stand on your soapbox in the local pub, loudly attacking privacy campaigners. You are a mess, but 2016 will be an opportunity to discover your ancient mandate and do battle with the forces of intrusion.



TaurusTaurus: April 20 -May 20

You`re probably a geek – and if you`re not a geek, you should be. Deep down, even if they don`t yet know it, Taureans believe apps will solve all the world`s problems. They are the technological determinists of our age (Mark Zuckeberg and Eric Schmidt are Taureans, and so we rest our case). But in 2016 the sky will fall on Taurus as the other eleven astrological houses turn on them. The world will finally understand that technology is not the panacea that Taurus has promised – it is merely a medium to leverage advertising revenue.




GeminiGemini: May 21 – June 20

Geminis are the most irritating sign in the privacy realm. True, they are can also be among the most persuasive and eloquent, but they drive people to insanity with their constant chat. Aries doesn`t want talk – just action. Geminis, on the other hand, just ramble on and on and on about the latest facts about drones or communications interception, and then bore everyone senseless with yet another proposal for a wine and cheese evening to discuss these matters. In 2016 you will stop doing this and, instead, use your natural talent to inspire Aries people to get militant.




CancerCancer: June 21 – July 22

Cancerians truly care about family and home. They care so much about family and home that they can easily fall for all the rhetoric about how privacy invasion will protect their loved ones. Seriously, most Cancerians will support any surveillance initiative from GPS tracking to school drug tests. They`re the type that will place covert video cameras in bedrooms or ban home use of the Internet for “safety”. Well, 2016 is the year you all get to realize that your children will hate you. This year Cancerions will give their families the gift of freedom.


LeoLeo: July 23 – August 22

Leos are the contrarians of the privacy world and are, thus, overwhelmingly hypocritical. When you hear someone say “I have nothing to hide” you can bet it`s a Leo. And when Leos proclaim they have nothing to hide, you know they are lying. Leos especially have something to hide because they are highly complex and driven. But while most Leos will defend surveillance just to provoke a reaction, a great many take an anti-privacy position because they see great entrepreneurial opportunities in data collection. In 2016, Leos will be outlawed in at least a dozen countries.



VirgoVirgo: August 23 – September 22

Nothing is good enough for Virgos. They believe that the world can be synthetically engineered to perfection. That`s why Virgo is disproportionately represented in the mid-level echelons of the Surveillance State. Virgo people in any position of authority soon become obsessive about discovering every data element on the planet so they can build god-like systems to alter the course of humanity. In 2016, when Aries succeeds in bringing transparency to the secretive organs of government, the word “Virgo” will become a term of derision.





LibraLibra: September 23 – October 22

Libra is the sign for the scales of justice, which means most of their time is spent on indecisive wavering. Librans want to please everyone and just enjoy a harmonious world. Well that might be great for world peace, but it spells real trouble for privacy. Librans are the type who talks of “striking the right balance” between security and personal liberties. They usually end up moderating stakeholder engagement sessions and talking about the need for “a rational dialogue”. In 2016 – when the age of Aries takes control – the tempered pragmatism of Libra will sink into the placid lake of compromise. Vive le Revolution!



ScorpioScorpio: October 23 – November 21

Underneath your benevolent exterior, you are a control freak. Admit it. Scorpios are often possessive and demanding. They need to know exactly what`s happening so they can micro-manage other people`s lives as well as their own. For this reason, in the past, Scorpios were the Great Data Processors. But in 2016 this star sign will discover that those who live by the sword, shall die by the sword. By compromising other people`s privacy, they have triggered a process that threatens their own privacy. And when privacy is gone, so too is autonomy. That`s why in 2016, Scorpios will become the dominant force in privacy activism.




sagitariusSagittarius: November 22 – December 21

Sagittarius is the most materialistic star sign, so no-one has any privacy expectations of you whatever. Chances are that you`ll parade through 2016 leaping at any opportunity fill out pointless surveys that offer the chance to win a bottle of perfume or a holiday in some awful beach resort. You`ll give away just about all your data in return for a five percent discount, won`t you. If it wasn`t for Sagittarius, the direct marketing industry wouldn`t be half as lucrative as it is today. However, in 2016 you will stop this behaviour and show the world that Sagittarians can display leadership for the common good and – just for once – stop trading your privacy for a “free” cheese grater.


capricornCapricorn: December 22 – January 19

Capricorns love gadgets. They`re not the inner geeks in the way that Taureans often are, but they do submerge themselves under a canopy of “stuff”. This year the average Capricorn will download twelve apps a minute and will spend 92 percent of their waking day on social media platforms. Their obsession with downloading apps will soon require multiple synched devices that relentlessly search for apps designed to seek out new apps. Of course there is no time to check the privacy defaults, so the private life of all Capricorns will be an open book.






Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

Aquarians have not been pulling their weight in the fight against surveillance. Little wonder. They are represented by a water sign but are actually air. This means they are even more vacillating and indecisive than Librans. The difference is that Aquarians don`t have the motivation even for debate. They just get all lovey about the world and read good motivations into everything that even the NSA does. Aquarians do care about individual rights, but it`s abstract. They`d prefer to create a Facebook meme than go to a street demonstration. In 2016 the Age of Aquarius will dry up.



PiscesPisces: February 19 – March 20

2016 will be a miserable year for Pisces. Emotional and accepting by nature, they will discover that all the things they believed about the beneficence of the State are all lies. This is the year that all Pisceans lose their naivety and suffer the utter collapse of their cosy world view. Governments do not always act for the public good, as they had always believed. Corporations are not a healthy expression of human endeavour. The character of Pisces will move from water to fire this year.