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The Google Glass Sex App is just the beginning of a horrific age of intimacy

Google_Glass_detailBy Simon Davies

It has been revealed that Google Glass has mounted an app that allows the wearer to observe the act of sex from the perspective of the other partner.

Apparently the technology requires both parties to wear Glass for the act. On the command, “OK, Glass, it’s time” the app then sends a live video stream to the other person’s display, letting them see what you see in real time. According to the app’s website you can then stop the stream with the words, “OK, Glass, pull out“.

If anything could be more calculated to put a downer on the act of sex, this is it. Even the Catholic church could not have conceived such a contraceptive.

If anything could be more calculated to put a downer on the act of sex, this is it. Even the Catholic church could not have conceived such a contraceptive.

Imagine the horror of seeing what your partner sees – the wrinkled neck, the huffing and puffing, the slight dribble from the left side of the mouth. These are aspects that in the normal course of events – and in the heat of the moment – might seem endearing. In the glare of Glass they will look macabre.

But this is just the beginning. Consider the following soon-to-be-released Glass devices:

Google Adulterer. Possibly history’s greatest boon to fidelity, the Glass wearer links to the eye until of a partner to ensure that nothing untoward is ever said or done with another person. Speech recognition software can be primed with phrases such as “do you come here often?” and “I’m feeling very lonely and am just looking for company”. An alert is transmitted to the other partner while at the same time the Glass unit releases a 2,000 volt electric pulse to the offending party.

:Glass (otherwise known as Colon Glass). This app allows you and you partner to share the intimacy of a visit to the toilet. You can both experience that moment of revelation without the need to get messy. Requires the use of Google Lube.

Imagine the horror of seeing what your partner sees – the wrinkled neck, the huffing and puffing, the slight dribble from the left side of the mouth.

Glass Vomitarium. How many of us have experienced that awful moment at a party when your stomach is a step ahead of your judgment. With Google Vomitarium you need never go through that horror ever again. Simply swallow a Google Glass and your partner can monitor your stomach activity and give you advance warning of an eruption. Marvellous!

Google Diet. This innovative app requires the user to wear the Glass unit across the mouth, like a set of dentures. Any food that passes through the Glass aperture is recorded, weighed, assessed and measured against a designated diet plan. A great motivational device that gives helpful advice to the health-conscious individual.

Glass Fashion. Perhaps the most ambitious Glass app yet, this device communicates with the RFID tags of high-end fashion outlets and makes a judgment about whether the wearer is acceptable in elevated company. Future versions are being developed for rappers, punks, skateboarders and other people without much money.

All these apps will be subject to Google’s new amalgamated privacy policy, ensuring that only Google and its trusted partners, advertisers, friends, financial parties, government research bodies and selected law enforcement agencies will receive information on your bodily functions.