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Swedish counter-terrorism program will nationalize all toilets and analyze all human body waste

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 By Simon Davies

Sweden’s beleaguered Prime Minister, Stefan Löfvén, received a much-needed popularity boost this week following the announcement of an audacious counter-terrorism plan centred on the country’s 46,000 public toilets.

Titled “Let’s sit on the problem” (låt oss sitta på problemet), the scheme aims to curb the threat of domestic terrorism by tracking suspects through their toilet habits.   

Löfvén made the announcement on Friday, after the successful conclusion of cross-party talks aimed at finding a more populist terrorism solution than those proposed by Denmark, France or Australia.   

Stefan Löfven reflects on audacious plan to improve public safety.

Stefan Löfven reflects on audacious plan to improve public safety.

Leaders of all Scandinavian and Nordic countries were swift to endorse Sweden’s approach, though the Netherland’s was reportedly furious that its own counter-terrorism plan to anal-probe the entire Dutch population had been overshadowed.  

Norway’s Minister for Justice and Public Security enthusiastically supported the Swedish scheme, arguing that “terrorists use toilets too, so no seat should be left unturned in our struggle for a safer world”.  

Under the plan, controllers of all toilets deemed ‘non private” must conform to a strict licensing regime that would allow government full and real-time access to any toilet activity.   

The legal basis for this requirement is that in future, the government will actually own all excreted material. Where government is unable to directly access excreta-related data, a faecal data retention scheme will be implemented, requiring non-private toilet operators to store information on toilet activities for at least twelve months.   

The newly registered toilets will be fitted with genetic and chemical testing widgets and then placed on a live feed to a central analysis centre. The captured DNA of all users will be transmitted in real time to a response centre, along with digitized fingerprints left after flushing. A full faecal analysis will assess food types ingested over time to determine whether the target’s dietary patterns match those of known terrorists.

Sweden’s national police commissioner observed:“human crap is a potential goldmine for investigators. We can discover hidden friendships and associations between people just based on little crunchy bits.” 

 Sweden’s Minister for Home Affairs pointed out that the government had already decided to reach back into its socialist roots by classifying almost all toilets as “non private”.

 

Critics of the scheme have pointed out research by Yale University’s Centre for Faecal Research, showing that only 34 percent of terrorist suspects wash their hands after using a toilet. Importantly, more than two thirds are unwilling to use any excretion facility frequented by the general public.  

Other critics from Sweden’s academic community noted that the plan is likely to fail because the number of public toilets was statistically insignificant and would not generate the necessary raw data.  In response, Sweden’s Minister for Home Affairs pointed out that the government had already decided to reach back into its socialist roots by classifying almost all toilets as “non private”.   

This new classification will expand the toilet catchment zone to include all hotels, schools, companies, public buildings, social clubs, museums, churches, public transport and all residential houses used by extended families, friends or casual guests.   

In all, the current estimate of 46,000 public toilets would increase to over seven million – more than one surveillance toilet for every two Swedish residents.  

Sweden has a long history of tight regulation of citizen movements. Indeed Löfvén’s own party came to power on the catchphrase “We are good at banning things” – a promise that appealed to many Swedes, as long as it applied to banning things relating to other people.  

The bodily waste scheme appears to be supported by voters, most of whom – according to a national opinion poll conducted over the weekend – stated that they had nothing to hide on the toilet and that the government should extend the scheme to the bedroom.  

Civil rights and privacy groups condemned the program as both a blatant PR stunt and a lurid example of “scraping the bottom of the bowl” of public security policy.