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A Facebook user reveals what people really want from the site – and it’s a scary prospect.

facebook-sexBy a Facebook user (as revealed to Simon Davies)

 

Facebook is living out some weird fantasy that it knows what people want. No it doesn’t. It’s clunky and full of useless bits that mess with your head and waste your energy. It’s time Facebook learned the truth about what we REALLY want out of a social networking site. Just because they know everything about us doesn’t mean they know what we need.

The site is like a early 20th century accounting office where you have to push all these bits of paper around all day. I mean, how Dickensian is that? They have all this data on us and the only automated bit is the targeted advertising. We’re expected to change settings all the time and go to all the trouble of being some dumb intermediary. Ain’t no-body got time for that.

There’s nothing cool about hurling hair medication at me just because I put a joke Dr Evil pic on my profile.

Facebook thinks it knows what its users want, but they’re all stuck in some big advertising world that doesn’t have a clue what we the people really want – only what our data value is. There’s nothing cool about hurling hair medication at me just because I put a joke Dr Evil pic on my profile.

If Facebook really wanted to be cool, it’d put all this info to good use. Like all my friends I’m getting sick of having to work out which people I want to see at which particular times and under what circumstances. They own all this face recognition technology, use it! What I want is an SN site that hooks to my cam and reads what my face is saying. That’s the way it works in the real world, right?

How hard can it be? I wake up with a pissed-off look on my face and the system knows to restrict my wall posts to close friends. I don’t want my mum hearing me rant about how my latest cocaine batch sucked or that I want to beat Kylie Minogue to death with a cucumber. The site could even analyse my keystrokes and work out that I’m being frantic, i.e. irrational and angry. Then it could send me pics of kittens to calm me down. Or offers of cheap whisky. I don’t care as long as it does something useful.

And you know all the different versions of their privacy policy? Well I don’t want to keep reading a new script every time they change it (not that I do anyway). So what I want is for them to colour the text and show the changes in real time in a little window at the top of my screen so I see an arty kaleidoscope as all the different versions whizz past me in real time. If I’m going to ignore something, I want to ignore it in style.

Cutting edge? Hardly. I feel like I’m some clock-maker in pre-renaissance Italy being subjected to the whims of an overbearing church.

And you know what else we need? We need a system that can tell when you’ve lied. I know they can do it with all that IR tech they have. Tell me when I’m about to hit ‘send’ on a message that contradicts something I said the night before. Like, I told my girlfriend I went out with John last night to the opening of some stupid art exhibition and now I’m about to tell her I actually got drunk at a bar. Or vice versa.

And you want to analyse my posts Facebook so you can send me ads for re-useable eco-friendly condoms or whatever? Then do something useful and tell me how many times I said “fuck” so I don’t look like an idiot who knows only one swear word. Even better, don’t bother me with that info and just use your judgment and replace it with “pox”, or whatever. Just don’t bother me with info I don’t need and choices I don’t have time to make. I have cucumbers to buy.

Cutting edge? Hardly. I feel like I’m some clock-maker in pre-renaissance Italy being subjected to the whims of an overbearing church. If you want to mirror the offline world of relationships then tell me when someone is being a dick and I that should boot them off my friends list – or just go ahead and do it. I can blame the system later if it’s the wrong decision. That’s the way things work in real life anyway.

So yeah Facebook. Stop making me feel like some 14th century monk pushing around bits of parchment just to give the church an easy time. I want a REAL SN site that puts me and my needs at the centre of everything.