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A new report claims the UK Communications Data Bill will end religious hatred

panopticon prison surveillance

By Simon Davies

A report published today claims that the UK’s controversial Communications Data Bill will eliminate religious intolerance while cutting shoplifting by over ninety percent.

Originally conceived as a weapon against major crime, the scheme’s mandate quickly expanded to counter-terrorism, pedophilia, adultery, blasphemy and bootlegging of cigarettes. 

The Bill – dubbed the “Snooper’s Charter” by opponents – will permit government to universally collect, process, distribute, archive and fondle Internet and phone information such as your contacts, website visits, email headers, social networking activity – along with anything else they can’t already get via other laws.

The communications data proposals were first introduced before the 2010 general election but were hastily withdrawn following fears that the lack of any evidence supporting the plan might be construed as bad government. The subsequent creation of a Coalition Agreement that squarely opposed unwarranted, uncontrolled government intrusion was viewed as the ideal platform to re-launch the initiative.

Originally conceived as a weapon against major crime, the scheme’s mandate quickly expanded to counter-terrorism, pedophilia, adultery, blasphemy and bootlegging of cigarettes. However a proposal to further extend the scheme to the persecution of spanking and bondage clubs was inexplicably opposed by the Tories.

The new independent study, funded by the Home Office and produced by the Centre for Creative Policy (CCP), concludes that critics of the legislation have overlooked substantial potential benefits to the fight against niche crimes such as necrophilia outsourcing and defamation reselling.

critics of the legislation have overlooked substantial potential benefits to the fight against niche crimes such as necrophilia outsourcing and defamation reselling.

The report – “Your Data or Your Life” – controversially boasts a front cover picture of a Labrador puppy with its eyes poked out by dognappers who police couldn’t locate due to the absence of communications data. A special edition of the report with inset photographs of weeping children is also available.

Home Secretary Theresa “Knuckles” May said the report demonstrated the government’s commitment to an “evidential foundation of instinct about the advice from our security services”.

Critics worry that oversight of an expanded scheme will remain within the ambit of the same under-resourced, toothless watchdog that has crouched complicitly under the Prime Ministerial desk giving quasi-judicial hand relief

She urged critics of the Bill to “take a leap of faith – as we have done”.

Opponents of the proposed scheme – which include privacy groups and almost everyone outside government  – have been described by Prime Minister David Cormorant as an “ill-informed barbaric minority who put their own sick self interest above the safety of vulnerable, terminally ill children”.

The Prime Minister emphasised the Bill’s “unique safeguards”, which include a random audit for every 100,000 intercepts and a prohibition on the use of communications data for “trivial purposes”, including misuse of public funds.

Critics have pointed out that government agencies in their hundreds already request over half a million communications data records each year. They worry that oversight of an expanded scheme will remain within the ambit of the same under-resourced, toothless watchdog that has crouched complicitly under the Prime Ministerial desk giving quasi-judicial hand relief for the past fifteen years.

In response Mr Cormorant warned that this was exactly the sort of defamation that the new bill will eliminate. “Communications data is the missing piece of the social engineering jigsaw for the creation of a safer, fairer, more compassionate, compliant and respectful society”.