Category Archive: Satire

The Queen’s gut-wrenching Independence Day message to America

EXCLUSIVE to the Privacy Surgeon   My dear colonists, On the occasion of your loud celebration of independence from Britain, I have decided to break precedent by offering this royal salutation from across the pond. I need to begin by acknowledging the elephant in the room. You might not know this, but your stroppy tantrum …

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A leaked NSA memo reveals the Agency’s darkest secret

The Privacy Surgeon has acquired a confidential internal memo which has been sent to all new staff and contractors of the NSA. The document sheds a sobering light on the Agency’s attitudes.   National Security Agency, HQ To all new operational staff From Command D4 ______________________ This memo is intended to ensure that all new …

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“Anonymised” elderly people to be sold off in UK government cost recovery plan

By Simon Davies Following recent revelations that the government is planning to sell “anonymised” health and taxpayer records to private companies, the Treasury chief secretary, Danny Alexander, today announced that plans are underway to sell-off anonymised old people. The scheme has been outlined in a green paper titled “Maximising value from the golden years” that …

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The sixty-second guide to understanding the true meaning of privacy

By Simon Davies Many people are confused about privacy. They hear lots of conflicting stories about what’s secure and what isn’t, and then as soon as they think they know what’s private, along comes another newspaper story to blow their perception. In an effort to help clarify everything, here’s the Privacy Surgeon’s sixty-second guide to …

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UK Foreign Secretary faces trouble over leaked webcam images

By Simon Davies UK Foreign Secretary William Hague is facing mounting pressure to resign following the disclosure today of sensational webcam images that show him parading theatrically in a rubber gimp suit. The leaking of these and more than 40,000 other intimate webcam images of senior public officials is likely to seriously undermine the government’s …

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The Google Glass Sex App is just the beginning of a horrific age of intimacy

By Simon Davies It has been revealed that Google Glass has mounted an app that allows the wearer to observe the act of sex from the perspective of the other partner. Apparently the technology requires both parties to wear Glass for the act. On the command, “OK, Glass, it’s time” the app then sends a …

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What Europe’s response to Obama on the NSA really means

By Simon Davies The European Commission has published a response to President Obama’s statement on the NSA. Many people are confused by this communique. They can’t understand why Europe is being so supportive in response to what – in the non-US domain – is little more than a set of aspirational clauses. Well, the truth …

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Confused about Obama’s NSA reform speech? You’re not alone. Here’s his alternative announcement

By Simon Davies For everyone who is confused about President Obama’s true position on NSA reform, here’s the alternative speech that tells you exactly what he meant to say. MR OBAMA: My fellow Americans, and others. Many years ago some important people got together in a room and put their names to a set of …

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Here are five privacy fantasies for 2014 that we can make happen – if we can find some pixie dust

By Simon Davies If we all work together we can make the unimaginable come true. Here are five dream scenarios for 2014 that we know we can make possible. We just need some pixie dust and a genie.  The NSA sees the light They’ll suddenly get it. One morning NSA Director, General Keith Alexander, will …

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Why I applied for Europe’s top data protection job – and why you should too

By Simon Davies From next week Europe won’t have anyone in charge of data protection for its institutions. The European Commission kind of forgot to advertise the job. So here – to save the day – is my application for the post of European Data Protection Supervisor. You should do the same. It pays quite …

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